Pam's Ponderings- Can Transsexuals Find Love In These Times?

Can Transsexuals Find Love In These Times? 
by Pamela Hayes


A few weeks ago, I had a chat with a trans woman, who is absolutely striking. She is pre-op, about 5’8, 34 years old, slender, with a lovely face. She has a chic hairstyle. But she is lonely. “I’ve never been on a date,” she told me.

I was floored. This girl is a knockout. She told me that she has been trans since she was 25, so at this point in her life, of course, she is poised and comfortable with herself. She said men had asked her out, but when she told them she was trans, they backed off. She said she wondered what it would be like to have a man woo her, give her flowers, chocolates. But she’s wondering if it will ever happen.

As I said, she is pretty and looks authentic. But I too wonder if she will ever meet Mr. Right.

I started living as a female in the late seventies when I was in my teens. I begin dating when I was about 19. And sure, when I told guys that I was a transsexual, some of them chuckled nervously and said they couldn’t deal with it. But back then, when I told them “my secret,“ sometimes, they were confused and needed clarification. Because during that time, there wasn’t a lot of information out there about transsexuals.

The only talk shows that existed were Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue and Tom Snyder, which came on in the wee hours of the morning. Mike and Merv were sort of like Wendy Williams is today, fluffy fare. Light conversations. Celebrities promoting books or songs.

Occasionally, a transsexual would pop up on a talk show, but it was rare and when they made an appearance, one could usually tell that she was trans.

So there wasn’t a lot going on and girls like me could live her life, date, go to school, work and have nothing or next to nothing said about her.

Occasionally, somebody would question my gender, but nobody would take the comment seriously.

So, over time, I had plenty of boyfriends. We had meaningful relationships. We went to dinner, to the beach, the amusement park. I used to get guys to take strolls with me through the botanical gardens.

The times were different.

Many men are intrigued by transsexuals. But nowadays, I think, a lot of men are disinclined to enter a relationship with a trans woman because he doesn’t want to deal with the bias and discrimination that will undoubtedly accompany an involvement with her.

“He’s a faggot. What real man would want to date that thing?” is what he’d have to put up with.

And now if someone accuses a woman of being trans, people take it seriously. They no longer dismiss it because over the years, they have been inundated with points of references. Talk shows. Websites devoted to trans issues. So if someone accuses a woman who is a clone of Halle Berry of being a man, people accept it. They no longer say, “I don’t believe that.”

Now, they consider it highly probable.

Men have fragile egos and most can’t deal with people casting the ‘that’s a man” aspersion on the woman on his arm. That reflects unfavorably on him.

I seriously doubt if some of those egotistical men I dated and lived with back in the day would have given me the time of day if back then things were the way they are now for trans women.

So, bearing all that in mind, it is challenging for a trans woman to find male companionship.

Back in the seventies/early eighties, my trans girlfriends were Marilyn, Carol, Stephanie, Shawna, Jessica, Jennifer and we all had boyfriends. Some of us socialized. Our men befriended each other. That doesn’t seem to be very prevalent today.

Sigh.

I don’t believe that a trans woman can’t find love. I just think it’s more difficult than it used to be.

Resistance Is Futile, Boys

Some of y'all cis men know you not only want to get to know a beautiful transwoman, you are attracted to her enough to want to get busy with her.

Stop fronting.  As we walk by, you may diss us in front of your boys and any cis woman within earshot sellin' woof tickets on how much of a man you are and how you could 'never sleep with a transwoman'.

But we transwomen find it amusing that when you think your homies aren't looking, you'll run faster than Usain Bolt to catch up with us, slide us your digits and hit us up online. We also find it interesting that some of you who protesteth the loudest to your boys end up waking up the next morning half naked in our beds.  


Resistance is futile.


In the last week we've had the rapper Chingy twisting himself into pretzel like transphobic knots trying to deny he hooked up with or had any relationship with transwoman Sydney Starr or trans rapper Foxxjazell  

Bow Wow has been denying rumors that he likes transwomen for years


Eddie Murphy back in the 90's got caught by the LA po-po's with the late Atison Seiuli in his vehicle on Santa Monica Blvd.


So for you cis boys that like transwomen, just do us a favor. Come clean and stop resisting the urge to assimilate with us.

You can also drop the misconception and lie as well that dating us makes you gay.     News flash: Only dating another man on a consistent basis will give you that rainbow rep.

You may find that if you give yourself a chance to get to know us on a romantic level; it may be the start of a relationship that is mutually beneficial to both parties to the point where you don't want anyone else.

Statements From The White House and State Department On Malawi Couple

TransGriot Note: Statements from the White House and the State Department about the sentencing of the Malawian couple to 14 years hard labor for being in love.

Note that the White House and State Department get the identity component right, but some of our gay allies can't.

From the White House:

Statement by the Press Secretary on Court Ruling in Malawi

The United States strongly condemns the conviction and harsh sentencing of Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga in Malawi. The criminalization of sexual orientation and gender identity is unconscionable, and this case mars the human rights record of Malawi. We urge Malawi and all countries to stop using sexual orientation or gender identity as the basis for arrest, detention, or execution.

From the State Department:

U.S. Appalled by Sentencing of Couple in Malawi
*
Philip J. Crowley
Assistant Secretary, Bureau of Public Affairs Washington, DC
May 20, 2010

***

The United States is appalled by the conviction and sentencing of Tiwonge Chimbalanga and Steven Monjeza to 14 years in jail with hard labor under Malawian law for violating Malawi Penal Code Chapter 15, Section 153 and 156, under which they had been charged with “carnal knowledge against the order of nature” and “gross indecency.” The conviction and sentencing are a significant step backward for the Government of Malawi’s human rights record. Malawi must abide by its human rights obligations.

We view the criminalization of sexual orientation and gender identity and sentencing to 14 years hard labor as a deeply troubling violation of human rights. Decriminalization of homosexuality is integral to the continued protection of universal human rights in Malawi. It is also crucial to the urgent need to fight the spread of HIV/AIDS – a fight in which the United States is closely allied with the Malawian people.

We remain disturbed by harassment, persecution, and exclusion based on sexual orientation or gender identity wherever it occurs. The State Department will continue to stand against any efforts to marginalize, criminalize, and penalize members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans-gender community worldwide. We urge Malawi and all countries with similar laws to take the necessary measures to ensure that sexual orientation or gender identity may under no circumstances be the basis for criminal penalites, in particular arrests, detentions, or executions.

Malawian 'Gay' Couple Isn't A 'Gay' Couple

I'd been hearing much about the Malawian couple that has been sentenced to 14 years hard labor for their relationship.

I'd been asked why I haven't commented on it yet, and one of the reasons was that I wanted more information on the issue before I do so. There are times I'd rather get it right than posting it 'right now'. My intuition was also telling me there was more to this story than the first sensational headlines warranted.

Well, thanks to South Africa's Gender DynamiX and Pinay TG, I have another interesting piece to tell you about.

Tiwonge Chimbalanga, one of the people involved, identifies as trans.

Peep the press release:

Today activists the world over protested the conviction of two gay men in Malawi. Even though activists from many different political persuasions joined hands in a protest in Cape Town today, local transgender activists are highlighting the fact that Tiwonge Chimbalanga clearly expresses a female identity.

According to Ian Swartz from OSISA (Open Society Institute of Southern Africa) Tiwonge Chimbalanga sees herself as a woman. “Tiwonge so clearly identifies as a woman and she has expressed her identity as such more often than not. I think if she knew the word Transgender she would come home to a world of understanding of herself” he said recently after visiting the couple in prison.

A local activist who calls her “Aunty Tiwo” visited her too and to him she said: “I am just a woman who loves my man. I’d rather remain in prison than to be released into a world where I am kept away from Steven”

“Advocating for Transgender people’s rights in most African countries is problematic for us” says Robert Hamblin advocacy manager for SA Transgender organization Gender DynamiX. “Gender variant identities are not acknowledged and just about any sexual minority is called gay or homosexual. This is because a person is assigned a gender based on their genitals, despite how they self identify.”

Gender DynamiX stood together with other activists today in a protest called by Social Justice Coalition (SJC). SJC was joined by LGBTI organizations protesting the conviction of these two people. The group of activists urged the SA government to negotiate the release of the couple and to offer them asylum in South Africa. The group also demanded that the SA government end the continued silence about human rights abuses against sexual minorities on the rest of the continent.

Gender DynamiX condemns the conviction of Steven Mongeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga. We call on the South African government, as the only state in Africa to recognize equality for sexual minorities, to uphold the South African constitution by offering asylum to the couple.

“Even though the identities of Tiwonge and Steven are misunderstood by the world we stand together with gay and lesbian activists in their work to try and get justice for our trans sister and her partner.” Says Tebogo Nkoana outreach officer at Gender DynamiX.

Robert Hamblin: roberth@genderdynamix.org.za

'The Boondocks' Was Right! Guess Who Ann Coulter's Dating?

There was a Boondocks episode in which it speculated right wing hater Ann Coulter was going home to a brother.

(BTW..you may want to play this clip at home. language issues.)

So I cracked up when I saw the EURweb story on Jimmie Walker's new girlfriend.

“I have nothing but the highest respect for her, and I’m thoroughly impressed with everything she does – whether she’s writing Sarah Palin stuff or doing whatever,” he continued. “I’m thoroughly impressed with her.”



Talk about the sign of the apocalypse. Guess things are dyn-o-mite between them.

Hmm...will have to start watching 'The Boondocks' again on a regular basis.

Playa Playa Archie Picks Veronica

I used to collect and read the Archie comic books back in the day and still occasionally peruse them from time to time.

Thanks to the TG Graphics and Fiction Archive site, I ran across an interesting gender bending Archie one in Issue 516 called 'The Other Side Of The Fence'.

His mother Mary Andrews was frustrated about the trials and tribulations of raising a teenage son and imagined what life would be like if Archie were her daughter instead of her son.

After imagining a grass is greener idyllic scenario, a lunch date with Mrs. Lodge and Mrs. Cooper gives her the 411 about the difficulties of raising teenage daughters.

Both women confide to Mary that they considered her the lucky one and the trio of mothers quickly agree that whether you have sons or daughters, it's still a tough job to raise them.

It then concludes with Mrs. Andrews coming home, hugging her son and realizing she wouldn't change that for the world.

One of the long running stories in the Archie comic book series is the love triangle between Archie Andrews, sophisticated spoiled rich girl Veronica Lodge and the loyal girl next door with the big heart Betty Cooper.

After 68 years Archie and the gang finally grow up starting with Issue 600, which hits the stands in August.

They skip the story ahead five years after their graduation from Riverdale High and as they are just starting their fresh out of college post-graduate lives.

The story is going to play out over the next six issues, but it's already leaked out which one of his high school honeys Archie proposes to.

It's Veronica.

I've always been rooting for Betty as you can tell, and hoped one day Archie would see the light and they'd one day get hitched.

Hey I'm an unabashed romantic, so sue me.

While Betty was doing things for Archie, Veronica always seemed to me to keep Archie at arms length until she sensed that Betty was getting the upper hand. She'd then start paying more romantic attention to Archie until he was focused on her to Veronica's satisfaction, then once Archie's eyes were back on her, the cycle would start all over again.

Well, as you can see on the Issue 600 cover, Archie is proposing to her just as Betty is walking past the jewelry store and witnessed the whole thing.

But knowing how indecisive Archie has been, Betty may still have a fighting chance. Veronica only has the ring. Neither she nor Archie have walked down the aisle and said 'I do' yet.

So stay tuned, this could get interesting.

We Don't Want No Scrubs, Either

A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly
And is also known as a buster
Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time and (no)

I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is guy who can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me




Well, another Valentine's Day has come and gone with me munching half price candy, playing my Luther CD's and observing giddy lovestruck couples enjoying Valentine's Day dinners and quality time with each other while I was out and about this weekend.

While I ain't mad at y'all who are hooked up in serious long term relationships (and to be honest a tad jealous and envious at the same time) I was painfully aware of the fact that one of the downsides of transition was the possibility I could spend the rest of my life alone.

But as someone who's working on becoming a quality Black woman, that doesn't mean that I or my transsisters don't have high standards when it comes to the person that we wish to spend my romantic quality time with either.

Too many times over the years I've seen some nice looking transwoman hooked up with some questionable men just so they can say they have a 'husband' or boyfriend. These busters they hook up with are either running roughshod over them in the process, or doing it, then cruelly dumping them for cisgender women after they've had their fun by playing the 'you can't give me a baby' card.

Yeah, I like to get my freak on, but not at the cost of my self respect, health or dignity. Your femininity as a transwoman does not and should not depend on having a man on your arm or engaging in hoochiesque behavior.

We're not booty calls, one night stands, or some 'exotic' plaything you treat like a vampire and only take out at night, if at all because you're ashamed to be seen with us or afraid of what your homeboys are gonna say if they find out you've hooked up with a transwoman.

The point is the minute you decide to get with me or any of my transsisters, you inherit all of the societal baggage that comes with dating a transwoman as well. In addition to all the societal crap that's heaped upon women, we get a extra helping of hateraid for trying to be who we are from society as well.

So if you're not sure you can handle that or the extra TLC it will require for you at times to date us, then don't step to us. That goes double for all you trifling, non-ambitious, womanizing, fugly, abusive, habitually criminal, wannabe playa playa's out there as well.

Read my lipstick coated lips. If my biosisters don't want you, then don't think we're gonna jump through hoops and beg for your company just because you have a penis and we may be alone at that moment. Some of us have them as well, and you and your fragile egos may be shocked to find out when you pull our panties down that it's bigger than yours.

We're looking for quality relationships just like our biosisters are, and just because we're transwoman doesn't mean we aren't worthy of or don't deserve having quality people to share our lives with.

So no, we don't want no scrubs, either.

Valentine's Day Posts

Happy Valentine's Day 'errbody'. For those of you who are in long or short term relationships, married or unmarried, I ain't mad at y'all.

A relationship is the one thing that has eluded me so far in my life, but on this day dedicated to love and being in love, I'm going to hit the TransGriot Time Machine and link back to some posts I wrote on previous V-Day's.


Valentine's Day Musings

Letter To The Ladies Who Loved My Twin




Wonder how our favorite couple is going to celebrate the day?

What Do You Mean 'It's Her Fault'?

"I don't think Chris would just a hit a girl like that. She had to do something or say something out the way for him to really hurt her," said Nika2hot on MTV.com

I ain't no Ike Turner, but, if I was in a position where it was either me hitting a woman or that woman hurting me, she's a hit chick. I know at least three guys who are now nestled in their graves behind not defending themselves from an attack by a female. And, for the record, I've never faced with that option, so I've never had to hit a female...PEACE. by BigBlackRod on Blackamericaweb.com

Let's not rush to judgment. Everyone's saying " how could he hit a woman?" Who's to say she wasn't hitting him, and he was trying to restrain her, I guess people just assume the worst in other people. by Mcooper6700 on Blackamericaweb.com

nick says: from socialite life celebbuzz.com
ill tack yo she a slut eny way u dont need her good that u beat the pop out of her

Before I get started on this post, I'm saying for the purposes of journalistic disclosure that I'm a fan of both artists, Rihanna and Chris Brown.

But what's pissing me off at the moment is not only the asinine comments that I posted that are just a small sample of the flood of comments across the Web that this unfortunate incident is generating, but this developing meme that 'it's Rihanna's fault' that she got hit, 'she's a slut' or 'she provoked him'.

Excuse me? The sad part is that some women are regurgitating this bullshit as well.

Bottom line is that I don't care how mad you get, it ain't cool to hit a woman period. That's something that men are taught from boyhood and I speak from experience when I say this. I was in a situation on the other side of the gender fence when my ex-girlfriend picked up a glass Coke bottle during an argument, swung it at me and fortunately missed.

As volcanically pissed off as I was at the time, I still managed without hitting her to disarm and restrain her until she calmed down.

For these folks flapping their gums about 'it's her fault' or the other foul comments I won't waste bandwidth repeating, I have to ask this question for the peeps who feel that way.

What if it was your daughter, sister, aunt, mother, grandmother or any female relative that was in Rihanna's pumps? Would you feel the same way? I'd be willing to bet if Rihanna was your relative, you'd be ready to kick any man's behind that put his hands on her or wouldn't appreciate the fact that her reputation and character are being trashed to defend him.

The story of what happened early Sunday morning is still unfolding and the truth is somewhere in the middle between his story and hers. But some peeps really need to check themselves about the breathtakingly sexist, stupid and insensitive comments being directed at Rihanna.

Damned If We Do - Damned If We Don't

In the wake of the Angie Zapata killing in Greeley last week, the debate raging in the blogosphere and beyond that has emerged since her tragic and untimely death has depended on who's doing the interpretation of it.

For non-transgender people, we've heard the ludicrous she 'deceived' Allen Andrade, so he was somehow justified in killing her spin on many comments. Some can't even get the pronouns right, or are doing it to be disrespectful or sensationalist.

In the transgender community, the discussion has been all over the map. I had two of my young TransGriot readers take me to task over the dating safety post I wrote Saturday because they felt in their words it was 'condescending to young transwomen' and 'insensitive to Angie's memory' because of the timing of it, even though that wasn't my intent when I wrote it.

One point Megan was correct about was that I didn't highlight the core dilemma of all transwomen who embark upon establishing a satisfying romantic relationship with biomen: to tell or not to tell.

We transpeople agree with our biobrothers and biosisters that the logical and sensible thing to do in an ideal world and an ideal dating situation would be to just simply reveal your transgender status at a certain juncture in the courtship process. In our intracommunity discussions we've agreed that point would usually be just before getting intimate with that person. By doing so, you would give that person the option of staying or going.

But in the real world it's not that black and white. The dilemma we face and the questions we ask ourselves are - when is that point? What will be the bioman's reaction when you do tell him you're a transwoman and will you have a relationship, much less be alive after you reveal that personal bombshell?

It doesn't matter when or where she tells him, once she reveals the deep secret about herself, she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. She's also putting her life in jeopardy if or when she does.

If she follows conventional wisdom and she's fortunate, the worst she'll get on the lower end of the scale is getting embarrassed if she's out in public when she tells him because the guy cursed her out before storming off.

On the other end of the scale that far too many transwomen experience, is a violent reaction that ranges from a simple beatdown to murder. That is consistent irregardless of the transwoman's age, ethnicity, social status or whether she's pre/non-op or post-op. Even marriage won't protect you if you make the revelation to the wrong person. There was a case a few years ago in which a post-op transwoman came clean to her husband and was subsequently found dead.

The other problem is that once you disclose you're a transwoman, as far as some biomen are concerned, you may as well wear a scarlet 'T' embroidered on your clothing. If you don't, they will damned sure create a virtual scarlet letter for you since they will tell all their homies and a few of their biofemale friends for good measure.

So even if you show up in the club one night looking so fly you make all the biowomen in it look like your ugly stepsisters to your Cinderella, you not only won't be getting any play from the fellas if just one biomale or biofemale is around who knows your business, but by the time they've finished spreading the news, in some cases you'll be getting dissed by some of the biomen and biowomen hanging out in that nightspot severely enough to make you leave.

So what's a transwoman to do who's not into GLBT clubs, who's looking for love but also wants to survive the process as well?

While there are biomen who do wish to date us, want us as life partners, and will be perfect gentlemen about it, there are others, the 'tranny chasers' as we call them in the transgender community, whose perceptions of us are colored by too much exposure to transsexual porn sites. Get one of them on a date, and they treat you like a porn star or an object instead of a human being with feelings.

If you are a Latina, African-American or Asian transwoman, that problem is even more acute because much of the transgender porn disseminated these days disproportionately features transwomen of color.

For a transwoman, finding true love can be as elusive as an NBA playoff spot for the LA Clippers. But even the Clippers make the NBA playoffs from time to time. The trick for us is to find that true love without losing our lives in the process.

And sometimes, to avoid living the rest of their lives alone, some of my sisters will take that chance. If they find a guy they like, they'll cross that disclosure bridge when they come to it.

So we're damned if we do tell- damned if we don't.

Safety First - Especially When Dating

So far this year we've had four transwomen killed. Ebony Whitaker, Saneshia Stewart, Simmie Williams and now Angie Zapata.

Outside of the common denominator that they're all transwomen of color, the other thing they had in common is that all these transwomen were under age 30. Two of the four, Saneshia Stewart and Angie Zapata were killed by people they were out on dates with.

I realize that if they are attracted to the opposite sex, that a large part of living a normal life for these transwomen so inclined to do so is dating. I and everyone who's fighting for our rights want all transpeople to live as normal a life as possible and I will continue to unswervingly advocate for their right to do so.

I know that my young transsisters are no different than young biowomen in many ways. Like young biowomen, some of my transsisters not only are attractive and stunningly so in some cases, they have no problem garnering the attention of the opposite sex. They also want to test their ability to attract their attention and wish to explore their blossoming feminine sexuality as well.

But if you're going to date, you have to be cognizant of the fact that as a woman, you have to be more aware of your personal safety since you no longer have the male strength level to defend yourself you once had. Once you start taking female hormones, your muscles start elongating to create those feminine curves on your body. That results in a reduced strength level. I'm 6'2", but after 15 plus years of being an estrogen-based lifeform I have the strength level of a strong woman my size, not a 6'2" male.

If heaven forbid, I'm in a situation in which I find myself trying to fight off an assault, if they catch me by surprise, I will have a hard time fighting off a determined attacker. So one thing I learned early in my transition is that like my biosisters, for my own personal safety, I must have a heightened hyper awareness of my surroundings at all times.

That is something that biowomen grow up with from birth. It's a new experience for transwomen. Failure as a transwoman to think about your personal safety 24-7-365 (or 366 in a leap year like this one) can result in being assaulted or worse.

The dating rules also change, and you have special addendums to those rules as a pre-op/non-op (or even post-op) transwoman. You also have to extremely careful about online dating as well.

While there are some biomen who are secure enough in their masculinity to enjoy our company and appreciate us in all our varieties and flavors, there are far more out there who don't wish to date transwomen period, pre, non-op or post-op.

Some of those biomen who fall into the 'don't want to date transwomen' category are emotionally insecure about their own sexuality. They are the ones who will react negatively, even violently to a revelation by you deep into the date, relationship or before or after sexual relations that you are a transwoman.

So if you're going to date, the best policy is to let your potential date know upfront that you are a transwoman. It is vitally important to do that if you like this person enough to want to start a relationship with them.

If you want to get busy with them, you need to tell them before you fall into bed with them. Waiting until he slips his hand inside your panties and feels a neoclit tucked between your legs is too late.

I was once upon a time a teenager with raging hormones, so I understand that things happen. I'm aware that a young or newbie transwoman has the powerful desire and eagerly wants to test her ability to attract the opposite sex just like some biowomen do. Some of it is because she really likes the person, some of it is for ego boosting purposes, some of it is because she sees it as the ultimate test of their femininity, and sometimes it's simply to get her freak on. Sometimes it's all of the above or a combination of the above reasons.

But just as our biosisters have to be cognizant of the fact that they could get raped or worse if they aren't careful about the situations they put themselves in, transwomen have all the other security concerns of a biowoman and more.

One of the things that a transwoman has to be aware of, no matter what her age, is that we face a heightened risk for physical violence and assault. While it's most likely to happen in a dating situation, it isn't always the case. Amanda Milan had her throat slashed seven years just because she was standing up for herself seven years ago at a New York bus terminal.

There are transphobic people out there who think we 'deserve' what we get directed at us violence wise or that we're 'deceiving' them for living our lives. That's what makes dating for a transwoman dangerous and can possibly result in you getting seriously hurt or killed.

If they aren't already, young transwomen, and transwomen in general need to start being aware of the fact that they must take common sense precautions in order to avoid being added to the 'Remembering our Dead' list.

That's not 'blaming the victim', it's stating a fact.

How Do Bugis Divas Grow Old?

TransGriot Note: In the 50's, 60's and 70's, the undisputed home of the most beautiful transwomen in Asia was Singapore. Ground Zero to find them was the various clubs on Bugis Street.

In the mid 80's the Singaporean government tore up the area to build a subway station. The reconstruction of the area put an abrupt end to the world famous nightlife that had evolved over the past three decades. In the process, Thailand became the Asian capital for transgender nightlife and as the Singaporean government discovered, grabbed the tourist dollars that came with it.

Here's an interesting article about some of the ladies and how they are gracefully aging.

DEATH OF AN AUNTY 'LADYBOY'
HOW DO BUGIS DIVAS GROW OLD?

We rely on one another, say transvestites

By Mindy Tan
June 30, 2008
from Electric New Paper - Singapore

IN the mid-1980s, she was a model, and then a fashion coordinator, and later, she took the stage as a performer at the Boom Boom Room.

Now, at 42, she says: 'Darling, those days are over.'

Miss Amy Tashiana, a transsexual, looks you in the eye and is perfectly open about discussing her life.

She said: 'We have gone through the extremes to get to who we are, fight to live as who we feel we should be. So it is natural that we grow over the years to become very tough and fiercely independent.

'In order for a man to come along to match that and share companionship, you need someone who is really, really big.'

Does that mean loneliness as they grow older?

Some of the first generation Bugis street transsexuals and transvestites are in their 60s today, like Mr Abdul Khalid Othman, the 61-year-old who was murdered, allegedly by a lover less than half his age.

One transsexual in her mid-50s said: 'When you grow older, sex is no longer important. Like normal people, we seek companionship.'

Some from Bugis Street left to open clothing and jewellery shops, but return occasionally to visit the 'sisters'.

When this reporter first met Miss Tashiana in 2001, it was at a talent management company. Then, everyone called her a diva.

But when The New Paper on Sunday met her again last week at a hawker stall, she looked very different.

She was tidying up the food stall, pushing a cart, with curry stains on her white T-shirt.

When asked how come she looked so different from her days of glamour, she replied: 'No lah, just helping my friend out at her stall for a few days.

'Still glam!'

She laughed, pulling at her cream-coloured shorts.

And she added: 'This is Prada, leh.'

So, was she once the queen of Orchard Towers?

She explained: 'Orchard Towers is a beginning for many of us. Everyone has a beginning when they learn to be a woman.

'Some were teenage girls in secondary school having crushes on boys, learning how to wear heels and put on make-up, and slowly maturing to become a woman.

'We don't have that luxury of time. So we jumpstart our lives at Orchard Towers, dressing flamboyantly, wearing every accessory we can, eager to show breasts and other assets. But that is just the beginning. Nobody wants to be there their whole lives.'

Where, then? With a man?

'After all the people I met in my life, I would find typical Singaporean men extremely boring,' she said.

'We would have nothing to talk about. I need someone bordering towards the extreme.'

There are those who find love.

Said Madam Fiona, 55, (not her real name), a transsexual happily married to a Singaporean: 'The men have to be very strong to stand for his right to love whom he wants.'

Some have gone overseas. In Europe, for instance, they find more acceptance in society.

Another transsexual, Madam Shanu Rekha, who is also in her 50s, is married to a European man 20 years younger. They live in Denmark with two adopted children.

Miss Tashiana herself has been single since 2005, after two serious relationships of three years with a Singaporean and an English man. Around the time of her last breakup, she bought herself a three-room flat in Eunos. Owning her own place is a dream come true.

It's a neat and cozy place, with dark wood furniture, where she lives with at least two well-fed cats.

She has paid off her breast implants and sex-change operation. And now, she is gaining in years gracefully.

Discos don't gel with her lifestyle any more. She said: 'I don't hit Zouk. I stay home and relax, go to photo exhibitions and art galleries. My health is the most important. I do intend to have a boyfriend but I am more fussy about letting a person into my life.'

There is no such thing as 'auntiehood' according to Miss Tashiana.

'I live my life to the best of my ability. Depression can hit anyone, even married women. If you go along with it, you will age,' she said.

She does not crave having her own family but thrives on the support of a tightly-knit group of middle-aged transsexual friends, much like how the characters from Sex And The City lean on each other and value their friendships as they near 50.

'And I am thankful I don't have to deal with things like pregnancy, menstrual cycles and menopause,' she said.

But like so many of the Bugis Street transsexuals who have gone overseas, she too is planning to venture abroad for love, perhaps when she hits 50.

'I just have to give myself a chic, short crop and I will look younger than most people my age in a European city. Singapore is too small,' she said.

'Look at the older Singaporean men looking for China women or going to Batam to look for mistresses.

'What about me? I can go to Europe, find someone younger than me by 20 years.'

Referring to Mr Abdul's murder, she added: 'Don't isolate him in his situation. The chee ko pek (Hokkien for dirty old man) exists in everyone. Not just transvestites and transsexuals.

'People mix with those who are younger to make themselves feel younger. You want to buy a product that's better than yourself.'

Transgender Marriage Rattles Mexico

Mario del Scororro and Diana Guerrero, a transgendered couple, prepare for their wedding ceremony in Mexico City yesterday. Mario and Diana are the first Mexican transgendered couple to marry in a public ceremony. The couple said they hoped media coverage would pressure Mexico's Congress to pass a law that would let people get sex-change operations in public hospitals and then be able to change their names and genders in public records.

Photograph by : Tomas Bravo, Reuters]


Couple Hopes Publicity Will Spur Law To Allow Sex-Change Operations

Mica Rosenberg, Reuters
Published: Sunday, May 18, 2008
(c) Times Colonist (Victoria) 2008

MEXICO CITY -- A couple who both changed their sex married yesterday in Mexico's first transgender wedding, as the traditionally conservative country loses some of its inhibitions.

Mario del Socorro, formerly Maria, and Diana Guerrero, who used to be Jose, held an austere ceremony for friends and relatives in a community centre.

The couple said they hoped media coverage would pressure Mexico's congress to pass a proposed law that would let people get sex-change operations in public hospitals.


They would then be able to change their names and genders in public records.

"When you are applying for a job and your documents don't coincide with what you look like, you just don't get hired. It's that simple," said del Socorro, 55, who is balding with a wispy goatee and stands several inches shorter than his new bride.

Lawmakers behind the transgender proposal are challenging a swath of conservative customs in largely Catholic Mexico, and in recent years they have been gaining momentum.

In 2006, gay civil unions were legalized in Mexico City and the northern state of Coahuila.

Lawmakers in the capital last year legalized early-term abortions and approved a law allowing terminally ill people to refuse treatment.

The Catholic Church has strongly criticized all of these measures.

Del Socorro and Guerrero got married under their pre-sex change names because the law allowing gay civil unions does not give partners the same benefits as a traditional marriage.

At the ceremony, guests cheered the teary-eyed groom and beaming bride as they cut two tall wedding cakes before a crowd of journalists.

Members of the bride's Catholic family said the couple tried for months to find a priest who would marry them in a church.

"At the end of the day, it's a marriage between a woman and a man, so what's the problem with blessing this union in the eyes of God?" said the bride's sister, Flor Guerrero.