Pam's Ponderings-Why Are Transwomen So Shady?

TransGriot Note:  Author Pamela Hayes graces us with more of her observations about trans life.


A few weeks ago, a trans woman asked me if I thought trans women were shady. She said when she started her transformation, she needed information about where to get hormones, electrolysis, everything trans. She said that a trans woman who was firmly ensconced in her transition could have been helpful, but wouldn‘t lift a hand to assist her.

I’ve heard that story a million times. “Erica” is a trans woman who was/is gorgeous, with a shapely figure, mountains of thick hair, ample boobs brought on by a daily dose of hormones. Erica was a knockout. She had the looks of a supermodel.

But her deep, mannish voice marred her good looks. Her voice told her story. She’d go in a store and clerks would smile warmly and say, “Yes, ma’am, can I help you?”

In a whisper, Erica would state her business and the clerks would  start frowning and go whisper something in the ear of another clerk.

Now, Erica‘s best girlfriend in the whole wide world, “Cathy” had a deep voice and she commissioned a doctor to do a procedure called voice modification surgery, which made Cathy’s deep voice light and feminine and helped with her self-esteem and made passing easier. Erica asked Cathy who did the surgery. Cathy vehemently denied having had anything done. According to Cathy, she took hormones and one morning, she woke up with a feminine voice.

Of course, Cathy is full of shit. I know from experience, surgery will soften your voice. But surgery doesn’t feminize your voice.

But why wouldn’t Cathy share the voice modification tip? Cathy was insecure and she didn’t want other trans women learning about voice modification because it would improve them and they may surpass Cathy.

In my opinion, Cathy’s behavior doesn’t make her shady. It shows that she’s insecure and there are plenty of natal women who are like that.

They’ll prepare a mouth-watering entrée, which receives rave reviews and if someone asks her for the recipe, she’ll claim that she pried the recipe out of a dear friend, who gave it to her on the condition that she not breath a word to anyone.

Or she'll claim it’s a family recipe. When in truth, she could have gotten it out of Woman’s World or Good Housekeeping. I’ve dealt with many women who pull these stunts. Or if she gives up the recipe, she'll omit one or two ingredients, which can drastically change the taste of the final product.

Women will go to a gifted colorist and if another woman says, “Oh, your hair looks wonderful. Who did it?” She’ll claim she did it herself or she went out of town and had it done.

So, you see trans women are no shadier than anyone else. I think they (we) are certainly more insecure.

Pam's Ponderings-Black Transwomen Need Love Too

TransGriot Note: The musings of author Pamela Hayes

We all know about the horrific beating that Chrissy Lee Polis endured in McDonalds. Countless articles recounting the incident has been on the Internet, so has the video. It was ghastly, inhumane. It should never have happened. And thank God Chrissy’s assailants have been apprehended and charges have been preferred against them. They should be incarcerated. They should lose rights because of a felony conviction. They brought it on themselves. I feel no compassion for them. The trans community have banded together and protested what happened and have threatened to boycott McDonald’s. Chrissy has been shown love in abundance. And she deserves it. 

But you know, people, black transgender women have had the hell beat out of them. It has happened many times. Black transgender women have been murdered because of who they are. So have white trans girls, of course. But that’s not the subject at hand. And when these heinous crimes happened to black trans women, I didn’t see this outpouring of love and assistance.

Or if it did transpire, it certainly was not with the same degree of fervor that is going on with the Chrissy Lee Polis incident. 

I’m sure that white trans people orchestrated all the support that has been given to Chrissy. That is because Chrissy looks like them and what happened to Chrissy could happen to them, so they want to help. They want to let violent trans haters know that such savagery will not be tolerated. And that's a damn good thing to put out there. 

But remember, there are black trans women who need help too. And black trans women should recognize that we can’t depend on white groups for support or to fight our battles. We are going to have to watch out for our own best interests. 

Do not accuse me of suggesting that Chrissy Lee Polis doesn’t deserve love, support and monetary damages for what happened to her at McDonald’s. She most certainly does.   Her attackers should be jailed and the miscreant who videotaped it should be charged as an accessory. After all, he watched the beating and warned the attackers that the police had been summoned. 

But we need to come to the aid of the Tasha’s and Tanisha’s who find themselves in horrific scenarios like Chrissy Lee's. Tasha and Tanisha need love too.

Pam's Ponderings-Trans People Must Stand Up For Themselves

TransGriot Note:  Commentary from author Pamela Hayes

There has been so much buzz about the trans girl who was attacked and beaten by a couple of female thugs in a McDonald’s. I have not seen the video and I have no desire to watch footage of any person being punched, kicked, throttled or however the attack was administered.

A number of sites have reported the story, followed by comments galore. The poor child was disrespected when she was assaulted and many of the comments that followed were appalling and insensitive.

Conversely, there were some intelligent comments from people, who felt the beating was wrong, that the perpetrators should pull serious jail time.

The trans woman was accused of misleading people, called a freak and a he/she. Some folks said they felt no compassion for her. One man made an interesting comment about if a guy is going to live as a woman and if he doesn’t want any hassle or shit, that he better make sure that he can keep it on the low (in secret) because if someone realizes what “he” is doing, trouble will follow.

Well, there’s only a small percentage of trans women who can live without questions being raised about them and even if questions are raised, no one has a right attacking anybody because they disapprove of who that person is.

If a trans girl is clocked, trouble shouldn’t follow, but it usually does, which is a perfect segue into reiterating that trans women should learn self-defense.

Some people said that the victim in the Mickey Dee’s brawl didn’t fight back, that she allowed her assailants to punch and kick her and did nothing to physically defend herself.

That is a classic symptom of low self-esteem. Over the years, I've known a number of trans women who have been beat up by family members, other trans people, strangers on the street and they did not fight back. Did not swear out warrants on people who beat her. One t-girl was severely beaten by her brothers while her mother watched and did nothing. The t-girl should have had her brothers arrested. They didn't think twice about putting their hands on her, so why should she be concerned about them being thrown in jail and getting criminal records? 

Hey, I could go out there and get my ass kicked, but I ASSURE you that I’m going to get some punches in. And I will make every effort do damage.

Back to trans women and self-esteem. Many of the girls have low self-esteem. Which is deepened when they allow store clerks, nasty citizens to insult, ridicule, and degrade them and not utter a word in defense of themselves.
Human beings are not wired like that. Someone insults a person, usually they don’t accept it and move on. That’s not natural. And for a trans woman to accept such behavior from people, I wonder if she feels that she deserves it.

Also, if any person allows such indignities to take place, it is going to damage them emotionally. Hurt them psychologically, which could lead to depression as well as physical repercussions. Studies say that ulcers and other gastrointestinal disturbances are brought on by stress. And a trans person lives with put-downs, criticism, discrimination, familial rejection and all that is most definitely stress. A trans woman can make her life less stressful simply by fighting back. Simply by defending herself physically or verbally.

One t-girl told me that when people make stage whispers about her, that she has to ignore it. She can’t speak out. “Why the hell not?” I asked, totally confounded.

“See, I’m supposedly a real woman. So if someone suggested I was a man by calling me he or sir, I’m not suppose to realize they’re even talking about me.”

She actually said that to me. And it sounds like nonsense. I’ll concede that if they don’t say anything to a trans woman directly, she could ignore it and pretend as if the slur was not directed at them. Some things are not worth addressing. Some fool off at a distance saying, “That’s a man” is one of those things. But if someone is in a trans woman’s face calling her, he, him, sir and it, she cannot pretend that that is not aimed at her.

Also, I’ve lived long enough as a trans woman to say unequivocally that people who instigate trouble with other people are usually insecure and have low self-esteem. Secure, confident people do not go around bullying other people.

And looks are not everything, but ever notice that people who fuck with others tend to look like shit? They rarely look like cover girls, swimsuit models or models for men’s fitness magazines. Most of them are unattractive losers. And if necessary, t-women should inform them of that. She will feel better for it.

In closing, if you allow people to talk trash to you and don't say anything in defense of yourself, you're giving them permission to haul off and hit you.

On Transsexual Separation

TransGriot: note:  I'm sick of hearing the BS SRS=transsexual argument myself, and far too many predominately white transsexuals are the ones pimping it.   And now, here's guest poster Zoe Kincade.

I am honestly disheartened to find so many transsexuals buying into this thinking.

While it definitely seems to be the case that I see eye to eye on transgender ideology being harmful to transsexuals with some, other transsexuals do not appear to be willing to give up their personal pride and prejudice to establish the kind of transsexual community that is necessary to make up any kind of adequate contrast to the transgender juggernaut.

The 'surgical correction = transsexual" argument makes no sense. Transsexuality is a birth condition of identifying with and permanently adopting the identity of the opposite sex, and the effects of said condition are not always absolute. Dr. Harry Benjamin believed that non-operative transsexuals existed and that the separation between the classifications of transsexual was not definitive, psychological studies have backed up his assessments in the case of non-op transsexuals, and I know non-op transsexuals who still identify as transsexual personally. If they operate as the sex their condition points them toward, it is none of our business what they are packing in their pants.

As I explained to a transsexual separatist named Lisa this evening (and she continually attempted to browbeat me into submission regarding), the genital based disagreement is sourced from a predominantly white, Western, and transsexual woman point of view.

It ignores other cultures (where transsexuals can be more accepted, and thus feel less of an impetus to have genital surgery), it ignores history (many historical personalities and cultural groups assumed the identity of another sex, which was not necessarily inclusive of changes to the genitals), it ignores the experiences and status of female-to-male transsexuals (where genital surgery is not really much of a viable option), and it hypocritically places transsexuals in the position of 'genital police'; it is safe to say that none of us would want to convey our genital status to perfect strangers, so why are anybody else's genitals any of our business?

I have many more sensible reasons than that, and plan to detail all of them in my upcoming manifesto against such thinking. It is harmful to development of transsexuality as a cross-cultural identity with a rich history and easily as poisonous as any transgender ideology to transsexuals in reality, unfortunately. It keeps people with the transsexual birth condition separated (thus, marginalized) and holds surgical correction up as the 'gold standard of transsexuality'; i.e. makes for an elitist rift that excludes perfectly decent transsexual human beings.

That, in turn, is what sabotages transsexuals as having their own booming community in lieu of creating splinter groups of those who could afford it or otherwise had a life experience where they had to change their bodies through surgical means. To top all of that off, surgical correction is not necessary to separate transsexuality (an inherently sex-based condition) from the gender-based ideology of the transgender political machine. Given that, the only purpose it serves is to be divisive to us all at a time when we should be unifying behind a common identity.

I cannot in good conscience agree with such a position given the wealth of evidence, common sense, and logic that stands opposed to it, and I hope others will understand my disagreement.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

TransGriot Note: Guest post by Toni Williams

This was deleted from a 'discussion' that was on another FB page. I guess since I had a dissenting opinion they felt the need to delete my post. It's sad when we can't disagree.  It's one reason our progress has moved so slowly.

"When I hear people say that don't want to be associated with 'those people', I can't help but hear a level of bigotry.

I understand where it comes from so I am not one to harshly judge those who express such sentiments. There are some creepy elements in the fetish segments. To me that would be like me not wanting to accept the term African American label because of the negative stereotypical members of my racial group.

It also ignores the fact that many well adjusted transsexual women, at one time, came into who they are through what they perceived as a fetish. Think of all of the girls (especially those who transition later in life) who have said over and over that they say things through the lens of a fetish.

What if Steve only dresses on the weekend? He could still very well be a transsexual. It comes down to what is in his mind. And what about the creepy fetish minded transsexual? What about those, like myself, who fall on the blurred less defined lines of these definitions?

I look at something like the Southern Comfort Conference, which is mostly attended by TVs. You would be hard pressed to be able to tell the difference between most of the attendees and a late transitioning TS. I think those lines are so blurry that they can not properly be defined. Especially without knowing the person (as an individual). I know of many many many on the pageant and ballroom scene that live in those gray area. Many who most would assume were fulltime and fully transitioned.

Sure, those transsexuals on the far end of the scope have close to nothing in common with those fetish minded crossdressers on the other end. I would suspect that a very large portion exist more in the middle. The size of the middle is too large to draw strict distinctions."

Pam's Interesting Holiday Season

TransGriot Note: Y'all asked for her, and here she is again, author Pamela Hayes

I've been super busy lately.  I baked several batches of cookies--chocolate chip, peanut butter, shortbreads, butter cookies, Heath bar crunch, sugar cookies, which I sprinkled with red and green sugar. After they cooled, I lined several canisters with parchment paper and filled Christmas-themed paper muffin cups with four cookies each. Each canister contains three tiers of cookies.

I give them out to select neighbors, elderly people, a gay couple who last year gave me a pair of diamond hoop earrings (wow) and some folks in my age group.

Look, don’t go thinking I’m materialistic, because I’m not, but I enjoy receiving gifts and recently, I cleaned up at the dialysis center, where I‘m a patient. Nate gave me Beyonce’s perfume gift set. His mother is a patient and sometimes his work schedule precludes him from picking her up. And he doesn’t like her using medical transportation, so I give her rides home. Sometimes, she has dinner with us.

Also, I received gift cards to restaurants, supermarkets and department stores. Miss Branch, another patient, a healthy-looking septuagenarian baked me a sweet potato pie. “I ain’t got no money to buy you nothin‘,” she said. “But you’re such a sweet lady. I said, ’I got to do something for her.’ So, I made you a potato pie.”

Not sweet potato pie, mind you, but potato pie. “Thank you, Miss Branch. I really appreciate it,” I said honestly.

“You welcome, baby. You and your family have a Merry Christmas.” We hugged and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. She’s going out of town for the holidays. “Have a safe trip,” I said.

Also, because of my presence on the Internet, namely Black Planet and Face Book, I believe I’m losing a friend of over twenty years. We’ll call her Diana. Well, Diana is trans. Years ago, she and I met in a gay bar and I was like a role model for her. We had long conversations about being a transsexual, respecting yourself and achieving a good life as a female.

Diana is twelve years younger than I am and her husband is a wildly successful medical specialist. She and I would go to lunch; go shopping. She’s 5’11 and many times, we took trips to a city, seventy five miles away and shopped for tall clothes. Sometimes, we’d buy one another outfits.

She has severed all ties with her family. She lives in the same town as her parents, siblings and other family members and she shuns them all. She said they treated her horrendously when she was young, that they did not accept her new persona. She said they refer to her by her old name and use inappropriate pronouns and intentionally try to embarrass her. So, she wants nothing to do with them.

I’m beginning to think she feels the same about me because I mentioned my gender status online. She told me that she is against me going online and discussing my trans status. Because of my online presence, the staff at my favorite supermarket knows that I’m trans. Diana is not on board with it. “I can’t believe what you’ve done,” she exclaimed. “Girl, you look authentic. You sound female. Those people knew nothing about you and then you put it out there like that.” She shook her head.

I sighed. “I seriously doubt if everybody in that store thought I was female without question. Somebody thought something, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, but thinking something and knowing it for a fact are two different things. You’ve confirmed it. Girl, as crazy as people are, somebody might kill you because of that stuff you posted online.”

I suggested that we brave the Christmas rush and go to Colonial Williamsburg tomorrow and have an early lunch in one of the restaurants with fireplaces. She pooh-poohed the suggestion and bluntly said that she had to chill with me. Ouch!

She and I go back a long ways. We spent many afternoons together, eating, gabbing and watching the soaps, when they were enjoyable. So, I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I’m beginning to wonder just how much of a friend she is if she’s prepared to wash her hands of me because I simply chose to be open about who I am.

I vehemently deny ever living in stealth, but being upfront about who I am has been extraordinarily liberating. My husband is supportive and when he and I were dating, he told his parents and siblings, right out of the gate, that I was a transsexual. In the beginning, his parents found it unsettling. I remember his mother would send Christmas cards and address them to just him. He told her that I was his wife and he wanted her to address the cards to Mr. and Mrs.

My husband told me to forget Diana, that because I’m online, she feels by making public appearances with me, that her stealth status is compromised. “Her friendship has conditions,” he said.